Brazilian waxing for the terrified or slightly insecure.
Disclaimer: Mom, don’t read this. Also, if I’m related to you in some way, or if I work with you, or if I go to church with you and you somehow found this post… please, for the sake of us both, just stop reading now.
Alright, let’s talk about lady business. The downstairs. The pretty kitty. Whatever strange vernacular you use to describe your vag… you probably also have preference for how much or how little hair you have on it.
My mom calls my generation the hairless generation, “You’re all so obsessed with removing your hair.” But really, it’s a personal choice. I prefer no hair because I think it’s cleaner, but some people don’t share the same irrational germ paranoia that I do. That being said, if you’re looking for some basic info on getting waxed, you’ve come to the right place.
I wish I could say that one day I got tired of shaving, so I woman-ed up and decided to get my hair torn out by a perfect stranger, but that’s not the case. For Christmas, a gal pal got me a Brazilian wax at a local boutique here in Salt Lake City. I didn’t want to waste the gift, so I went for it.
The thing I was most nervous about wasn’t the pain my waxing friends warned me about, it was the awkwardness of letting a stranger all up in my business.
I had some basic concerns:
Would she be snooty and rude because I’m curvy?
Does my hoohah look different than other ones?
What if it’s the ugliest one she’s ever seen?
Am I gonna cry? Is she gonna laugh if I cry?
I kind of laugh thinking about these now, but I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who has thought these things before going in for their first wax. So let’s just clear up these little insecurities with some good ol’ fashion logic.
What if she’s snooty and rude because I’m curvy?
This is her job. She’s paid to be a professional, and she should act like it. She literally chose a job knowing she was going to look at random crotches all day long. When I scheduled my appointment online, I put a note in the notes section saying, “Just a heads up, I am plus size, and if the technician isn’t comfortable with that, I am more than happy to schedule with someone else!”
Maybe it’s weird that I did this, but I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to get stuck with some fat-shaming jerk who was going to ruin my experience. This gave the technicians the opportunity to work it out among themselves ahead of time. So if you have something that you think might be a big deal, spit it out. Maybe it’s a weird mole, a birthmark, or a scar, whatever it is just get it out of the way.
Does my hoohah look different than other ones? What if it’s the ugliest one she’s ever seen?
Yes. Your vag does look different than other ones. That’s how it works. We aren’t carbon copies of one another. As far as it being ugly? Well, I can’t speak to that other than to say be proud of who you are. If the person waxing you wants to go home and think about your genitals, that speaks more about who they are than who you are. Also, they see a lot of vaginas. They probably don’t spend extra time thinking about them if they can help it. During my wax, the woman literally said, “I’ve seen so many vaginas, they’re kind of like arms to me now. It’s just another part.” Haha. Arm-ginas.
Am I gonna cry? Is she gonna laugh if I cry?
You might cry. I don’t really know your pain tolerance. I didn’t. She might laugh a little, but chances are she’ll want you to relax to help things go faster.
If I had to rank this experience on a pain scale where one is no pain and 10 is appendicitis (since that’s the worst pain I’ve felt to date) I would say a Brazilian wax falls at about a 3. Honestly, the whole thing wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It feels like… hair removal. If you’ve had your eyebrows waxed or threaded, this is just a little more uncomfortable, but just as worth it. It mostly stings, but it’s done quick. The whole thing took about 15 minutes.
Now that we have the insecurities covered, here’s how the whole thing went down. I walked in, she took me back to the room and showed me where to put my pants, then she showed me some sanitary wipes and foot wipes that I could use if needed. She excused herself while I got undressed. I laid down and covered myself with a little tiny towel.
There was a picture of Ryan Gosling on the wall that said, “You got this girl.”
Thanks Ryan. Enjoy the view, buddy.
The technician came in and explained what we were going to do. She had me lay in a relaxed butterfly position. First she wiped stuff down, then she started.
We made casual conversation about guys, work, gynecologists, you know… the usual discussions you have when you’re half naked being tortured with hot wax. Honestly, the lady was super nice, and I never once felt any of the awkwardness I thought I would.
Now, let’s talk about the after. This was the worst part for me. Imagine you send your cooch to the beach for 4 hours with no sunscreen. That’s what it was like after. Burn-y. Don’t wear jeans, don’t wear lace underwear. Stick to soft boyshorts and some leggings or sweats. You’re going to be tender for 24 hours. If I am being completely honest, I iced down for about an hour later that night.
The technician should tell you not to have sex for 48 hours, and to exfoliate after 48 hours as well. This will help prevent ingrown hairs.
The next morning, though… Hello, hello pretty kitty. That sucker was smooth. And it lasts so much longer than shaving and there’s no bumps! Over two weeks later and I have hardly any regrowth. The whole experience was completely worth it. The worst part was getting over my own insecurities.
If you’re teetering on whether or not to do it, just schedule an appointment! It will sting a little, burn a little, and then… it will be the best decision you’ve ever made, well at least as far as hair removal is concerned.