Tinder Nightmare: The Fat Shaming Fiasco

Tinder Nightmare: The Fat Shaming Fiasco

So I guess I am a Tinder-er, well I was.  Reluctantly so.  The whole online dating thing is exhausting. You see a picture, decide that it suits your fancy, you strike up a converstaion with someone who decided that you suit their fancy. You ask about everything from their job to their past relationships, the music they listen to, the food they like… blah, blah, blah. And then you hope that you have enough of a connection to actually meet in person. And after that, you hope that the person you’re meeting isn’t going to murder you in an unlit parking lot, or turn out to be nothing as advertised.

So obviously, I didn’t head into the whole online dating thing with a super optomisitc perception. That being said, I have met, dated, and hung out with several very cool people from Tinder. As miserable as online dating is, there’s probably a small shred of hope somewhere within me that believes it’s all worth it. That shred of hope is most likely what led me to be Tindering at 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday.

Swiping my life away one superficial first impression after the next. I matched with a guy. He looked cute. His about section was well-written and made him sound like he was motivated and intelligent. All bonuses in the book of Lowery. I swiped right. We matched. Within a few minutes he sent me a message. A few exchanges into the conversation, it seemed like we were on the same page.

Now before I dive too far into this whole thing. I want to be VERY clear about something. I am not out to catfish anyone. I have full body pictures and I state that I am curvy. I have a very realistic perception of my body. I realize I am curvy, thick, chubby… Whatever “classification” society insists on giving my body. I don’t try to hide this. I mean, come on… I have a blog centered around this shit. Anywho…

So this guy. Let’s call him Kellen (name is changed, obvi). We’re chatting… He’s asking my views on random things. Then I asked him what he looks for in a woman. Now… this question usually goes two ways. Either the guy talks about personality traits or the guy talks about not wanting a fat chick. This isn’t my first rodeo, guys. I knew what I was walking into. There was a 50% chance that this was gonna work out.

His response (this is a direct quote), “As long as you have a nice booty and legs, and not completely overweight or obese, I’ll be attracted to you.”

Oh dear. OK. So being the realistic individual that I am… I responded, “My legs aren’t super nice, and I’m definitely curvy. I guess your search for a woman continues.”

Unfortunately the exchange did not end there…. Here’s the rest of the conversation:
tinder fat shaming conversationOK. Well… This conversation wasn’t fun for me. This guy was an ass.

Now, if you like slender girls, good for you. That’s wonderful. All women have different qualities that are beautiful and some men prefer certain qualities over others. That’s fine. However.. and this is a BIG HOWEVER, at no point does anyone ever have any right to tell another person that they would be better or more desirable if they looked a certain way. If someone isn’t your taste, move on. If they are too fat, too skinny for your liking, that’s fine. But don’t for one second try to tell them that just because they aren’t your taste doesn’t mean they can’t find someone who loves and respects them as they are. Don’t you dare.

This guy was obviously a jerk. Again, not because he wasn’t into my body type, but because he wanted me to believe that I would look prettier if I fit his perception of beauty.

We are not dolls customized to the preferences of men. We aren’t built for pleasing society. We are humans. We get to choose how we want to look. We get to choose who enjoys the pleasure of our company, the grace of our beauty. Don’t let narrow-minded individuals try to convince you otherwise.

I haven’t heard from Kellen again. Which is good. This conversation upset me. In fact, I drove to the gym and cried in the parking lot when I realized it was closed. But in that awful moment I decided that no one gets to make me feel like that. Especially someone who doesn’t want to take the time to know me as a person.

My body is incredible. I am incredible. And if you are reading this, you are incredible too. <3.

9 comments

  1. He’s not wrong though. Saying everyone is perfect just the way they are only inhibits people from bettering themselves. You can be happy with yourself but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to improve.

    1. I have goals to better myself. Several. Physically, mentally and professionally. But he’s a stranger. It’s not his place. That’s what makes this situation ridiculous.

      1. You have a refreshing point of view. Down to earth and pragmatic. I feel bad for this guy he has no idea what he missed. Pragmatists are the best at “real”ationships.

  2. He was right on two counts. You’re very pretty, but you’re also fat. You cant be mad at someone for not finding you attractive for a physical attribute you have direct control over. Exercise on occasion and count calories, it’s not rocket science.

    1. I’m not mad that he doesn’t find me attractive. What I find disrespectful is that he feels it is his place to tell me that I would look prettier if I looked the way he wants me to. I think I look beautiful. I know a lot of men who think I am beautiful without needing to lose weight for them. If I lose weight it’s my choice. it’s not to suit is fancy. And i have fat. I’m not fat. I’m a person. There’s more important things in life than having fat.

    2. Youre wrong on all counts except the fact she is pretty. Actually, youre wrong on that too. She is beautiful. Pretty doesnt cut it. So I guess youre just all wrong.

      So lets start:

      What is “fat”? Do you mean the number presented by today’s medical journals as acceptable weight? According to my height and weight Im at 31.85 BMI. That is well over the obesity line… however, my body fat percentage is just over 10%, which puts me in the middle range for an athlete. I do 6 miles a day on the treadmill followed by an intense hour of weight lifting. I am excessively muscular and look fantastic… but according to the doctors Im obese. Silly little numbers that we throw around to allow judgmental people and doctors to generalize instead of taking the time and effort to understand each person, their body and what works for them.

      Just because you say she is fat doesnt mean she is. Personally none of the pictures Ive just cyber stalked on her since reading this have been what I would consider to be fat. Is she thick? Sure. Curvy? Sure. However you want to label it… but she isnt fat. I dont know that Id even consider someone to be “fat”. Its a horribly outdated and demeaning way to speak about someone. Id venture to guess that you are either very overweight and are a self loather of your own body or youre excessively skinny and thats why youre such a hateful person. Your body hates you for its lack of food. If you were truly someone who loved their own body you wouldnt feel the need to hate on someone else who loves theirs. Sad.

      Also… exercise on occasion and calorie count doesnt work for everyone. See, each human body is a snowflake. Its unique. We have a ton of generalized rules… like 2,000 calories a day… but thats all BS. There is a ton of data that goes into each persons body and metabolism. You could easily cut your calories down to half of what youre having and occasionally exercise and not lose a pound. You can also greatly increase your calorie count and still lose weight. Due to my workouts I have to maintain an insane amount of calories to prevent my body from eating into my mussel tissue. Thats not even digging into the dozens of medical conditions that could cause the inability to lose weight even on a strict diet and exercise.

      Lastly… you can clearly read (if you have even the most elementary of reading comprehension skills) that her issue isnt with the person not finding her attractive, its with his (much like yours) short sighted, tunnel visioned way of judging how someone else looks and instead of appreciating them for what you find attractive. He (and you) try to shove them into your own misguided, cookie cutter, view of how humans should look. Its self indulgent, self centered and frankly sickening.

      Personally, I find the vast majority of women attractive. Almost everyone has at least one appealing very feature. Those are what I focus on and ignore the things that arent my cup of tea at the start. Ive found that being open like that you quickly find that there are boatloads of people out there that are wonderful and amazing human beings and that the more you see that the more you see their physical features you like and the more you accept and begin to love them for all their society labeled imperfections. Pretty soon you dont even have a level of “I dont like that body type” or any of that. You realize that everyone is beautiful just the way they are… and once you do that you realize how beautiful you really are yourself.

      I prefer my way to your tiny box of hate.

      But hey… Im just some random guy.

Have something to say? Sound off, Darling.